Attack of the giant BFF!
by CupkateCullen
Summary: Not attack of my Best Friend Forever. Bad Fan Fiction! Cliches common to the Twilight fanfic world unite. Is Bella in love with Jasper or Edward? Is it all just about sex? Will Alice stop shopping? Will Jasper break knives trying to cut himself? Read on.
1. WTF is Wrong with Charlie?

A/N: This is my own little adventure away from the seriousness of my previous story. I am trying to include common character/scenario cliches that have been repeatedly popping up all over Twilight fanfic land. If there's anything you'd like me to include let me know!

Edit: I'm not trying to personally attack anyone, or anyone's previous work. I too have been extrodinarily guilty of falling into fanfic cliches (See my other story if you want proof). In fact, I think when written well they can make for some good stories. Its just funny to me when its put all together in one story. That's all. No harm meant. I promise!

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**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or the books or the places. Stephenie Meyer does but I wish I did. I'm going to write about them so don't sue me. I have to deal with not creating these people, but I'm having a hard time with it. -sobs quietly to herself-**

---In the meadow---

BELLA POV

I can't believe we are going to tell Charlie we're getting married. All I really want to do is get on with the ceremony so I can get it on with my sexy vampire. He looks so fine, all sparkly like he is, in his little wife beater top and jeans molded to his butt. But I can't help but wonder why he looks so sad…

EDWARD POV

Woe is me. Bella wants to be a vampire. Maybe I should leave again. That would solve everything. But she almost killed herself after last time so maybe its not a good idea. I don't know what I should do. I have no soul…argh.

---A few minutes later---

BELLA POV

We pulled up to Charlie's house. I wondered if maybe we could sneak past Charlie and make it upstairs so we could have some quality alone time.

Charlie's voice drifted to us from the living room. "Bella? You home?"

I sighed, knowing that I'd have to delay groping my eternal love for at least a few minutes. "Yes its us." I ambled into the TV room, knowing that we'd have to get this over with sooner or later. I was a bit confused with what I saw on TV. It looked like guys with brooms manically sweeping the ice. "What are you watching Dad?"

Charlie spared me a quick glance. "Its curling. It's a sport. I love all sports. Grunt. Do you want to go fishing?" His gaze returned back to the TV.

"Uh, no. Thanks though. There's something Edward and I want to tell you though."

Charlie leaped off the couch, his face turning a violent shade of magenta. "You're pregnant! I knew it! I knew that sex talk wouldn't work! All you seem to think about these days is making out with him! I hate you Edward! I shake my fist at you!" He started jumping up and down, waving his fists frantically over his head. Suddenly, he was pulling his gun out of his belt and started firing shots at Edward screaming, "Die, Die, Die!!!"

I sighed, once again thinking of escaping to my room for some luvin'. "No Dad. I'm not pregnant. We're getting married." I wiggled my ring finger in his direction, peeking at Edward. He looked morose.

"Its ok, Chief Swan. I won't ever let anything happen to her. I'll never hurt her again. Nnnnnnneeeeeeevvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr…..."

Charlie looked completely pacified and tucked his gun away. "Oh, in that case, you two are perfect for each other. Your love runs deep. Somehow I know that you will be together for all eternity. He completes you. I've never seen you so happy. I'm glad you found someone so handsome. You guys will make it. Come give your Dad a hug Bells."

"No thanks Dad. Well that was easier than I thought. Will you walk me down the aisle?"

Charlie instantly started sobbing.

"What's the matter Chief Swan? Are you crying?!" Edward was starting to looking nervous.

"Yes, no. I don't know. I'm a man of few words, er, few emotions. Or is it many? I don't know anymore. Ooooh, wait. I thought of a perfect song for this!"

Charlie was confusing me more by the minute. "I didn't know you sang."

"I didn't think so either, but I haven't been myself lately." With that he started crying again. After taking a moment to compose himself he burst out into song, "Come on in boy sit on down  
And tell me about yourself  
So you like my daughter do you now?  
Yeah we think she's something else  
She's her daddy's girl  
Her momma's world  
She deserves respect  
That's what she'll get  
Now ain't it son?  
Y'all go out and have some fun  
I'll see you when you get back  
Probably be up all night  
Still cleanin' this gun."

Edward was looking positively frightened now. If all this continued, I will never be able to get him upstairs and out of that hot wife beater "Um, that was interesting, Dad. Thanks. Are you sure you don't need medication or a therapist or something?"

"No! Now get this daughter stealing impregnating monster out of my sight! But really, you two are perfect for each other. I can see your love enveloping you. Now, what was I doing? Oh yeah, sports. Grunt. Fishing."

I grabbed Edward's hand and pulled him toward my bedroom...finally.

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So that's it. Worthwhile or not? I have more.

If you're curious Charlie's song is Cleaning This Gun by Rodney Atkins.


	2. Dead Bella

A/N: Again, no offense meant. No personal attacks. Just relax and see the A/N from the first chapter.

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**Disclaimer: Nothing has changed from the first chapter. I still didn't make these characters up. My name is Cupkate, not Stephenie. Please lawyers who have nothing better to do than sue fanfic writers for copyright infringement, stay away from me!**

BELLA POV

I ran into my room and threw myself headlong onto my bed. Its a good thing I wore a button down today...easy to remove. I started undoing my buttons.

Edward's hands viced around mine as he sighed. "What are you doing Bella? You know we can't do that. I might hurt you. I'm never ever never never going to take that chance again." He sighed sufferingly with self pity.

"Let go of me Edward! I know what I'm doing and what I want. I want you. You, you you. Make out with me." I launched myself at him.

"You know Bella, you really should be more careful," I heard Carlisle say. I spun around, and nearly jumped when I saw him sitting in my chair.

"When did you get here?! You weren't just there!"

"I have no idea. I was washing my car, now I'm here. You know, though travel by energy transport may seem like science fiction, physicists are currently working on a way to break solid matter into pure energy particles to..."

I cut him off. "Carlisle, I don't care. I never understand you when you start babbling about random crap."

"But energy fields..."

"Enough, please." I had other things on my mind. I reached behind me and traced my finger down Edward's arm.

"Why can't you just stop it?!" Edward yelled, and then ran away. Carlisle followed suit. He stood up, twirled on the spot and disappeared with a soft pop.

"Edddiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

I sat on my bed, dejected. But then I remembered, there's always Jacob, or even Jasper, and Esme was looking kind of pretty the other day. Hmmm.

---Meanwhile in La Push---

JACOB POV

"I was worried Jake. You were gone so long."

I didn't care what Billy or anyone else thought. "I hate you."

Billy was undeterred. "You seem a bit down lately. Maybe you should eat this cookie."

I snorted. "I hate cookies. I hate you."

Billy seemed not to hear. "You know, that nice girl Mavis has been asking about you. Maybe you should call her. I hear she bakes a mean chocolate lava cake."

Lava. Why did he have to say lava? Stupid lava. Lava was red, just like blood, just like what that leech drinks. I hate blood, and leeches for that matter. Spam too, but that was getting off topic.

"Don't you get it?! I hate everything but Bella! I know there is still hope for us even though she loves the bloodsucker more and told me a thousand times she chooses him! I don't care!"

Suddenly, I heard the rumble of her truck pull up. I instantly forgot all my problems.

BELLA POV

I pulled up to Jacob's house. I was barely out of my truck when Jake bounded out of the house directly toward me. He looked hot, especially since he wasn't wearing a shirt. Damn hot. I wanted him.

Jacob continued to run at me and before I was ready, plowed into me. He knocked me flat on the ground. As I was falling, I hit my head hard on my truck's bumper. Everything was fading...

JACOB POV

I was so excited to see her I couldn't contain myself. I hugged her as she was lying quietly on the ground, too quietly. What the hell? Oh crap, she's not breathing!

"She might have suffered an intracranial hemorrhage resulting from hitting her head which is now shutting down her respiratory function," Carlisle noted.

I jumped at the sound of a new voice right next to my ear. "Argh! Where did you come from?" Why didn't I smell him?

"I really don't know. I just seem to be appearing everywhere lately." He glanced down at Bella. "I hear her heart stopping now. What we really need is someone who brings people back to life."

"Did someone mention impossibly hard to imagine superpowers?" Carlisle and I both looked over toward the woods trying to locate the source of the voice.


	3. Boxers or Briefs

**Disclaimer: Dude, are you going to make me say it again? How dense are you people? I am obviously not Stephenie, so I obviously didn't create these characters. If I was her, Juan my manservant would be giving me a massage right now and I wouldn't be sitting at this computer at 4 in the morning writing fanfic.**

JACOB POV

Out of the woods stepped a vampire neither of us had seen before. He was tall, yet short, was extremely thin, but round somehow, and had reddish-blondish-brown hair. His pants were also incredibly tight, leaving me with the distinct image of a granite moose knuckle. I shook my head to clear that image.

Our visitor strode up to us as fast as his tight trousers would allow and surveyed the situation. "I believe you may be in need of my services. I bring people back to life after they're dead. And I can tell if you wear boxers or briefs."

I couldn't help but mumble under my breath, "You obviously aren't a boxer guy."

Carlisle looked confused. "But how can you restore someone's life if you've sucked them dry?"

New vampire guy looked sheepish. "Well, it doesn't work with people who die of vampire attacks. Or people who've had heart attacks. Or gunshot wounds. Or car accidents for that matter. Actually, my power only works on people who die of wounds inflicted by rabid chinchillas."

I was beginning to hate again. The love of my life was dead and we were talking about rodents. "What did you say your name was?"

"I'm Joe. My girlfriend is Ashley. Her sister is Amy. Amy went to high school with Scott's sister Tara. Tara was, like, totally in love with Emmett back in the day and tried to steal him away from Rosalie but she ripped her right arm off for even thinking about it. I'm sure you've heard of her in previous tales, Tara the boyfriend stealing tripod."

"Uh, actually no. I don't remember them. It sounds to me like you just made them up out of thin air and stuck them in our story. So can you fix Bella or not?"

"Who's Bella?"

I began screaming irrationally. "AAAAAHHHHHH! I am an angry werewolf! GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Carlisle interjected calmly, "Bella is the dead girl laying here. Can you do anything for her? I would begin cardiopulmonary resuscitation but I..."

"SHUT UP DR. FANG!"

"Well. I never. That is awfully rude for someone so young. Your energy field is…"

"SHUT UP!"

All the ruckus must have drawn Billy's attention, because I noticed him wheeling our way. "What is going on here? Bella looks like she's in rough shape. Hmm, well it seems you all have it under control. Now where did I put that cookie?" He wheeled himself back to the house.

Joe looked at Bella, pondering. "Well I guess I can try. I've only tried once to bring someone back who hasn't been bitten by a chinchilla. There was a bit of a strange side effect. I'm sure it won't happen again though."

"WELL THEN DO IT ALREADY! GRRRRR!"

Joe appeared thoughtful for a moment and then leaned over Bella. He reached down, grabbed the waistband of her pants and started tugging and twisting.

"What are you doing to her?! Leave her pants alone you sick pervert!"

Joe was unruffled. "I'm centering her jeans. You know, her life force."

"JEANS?! Don't you mean chi?! ARRRR! I'm an angrier werewolf!" Inexplicably, I began running and throwing things, because that's what I do. I overreact. Always.

Carlisle, however, began to look excited. "Its working. I can hear her heart starting again! Keep it up!"

Just after Joe gave her pants one last tug, Bella began to stir.

Joe looked at us warily, the apprehension clear in his eyes. "I think we might have a bit of a problem. That side effect that I didn't think would happen...well I'm pretty sure it did. Bella will now be instantly impregnated by the next person who tackles her."

With that Bella sat up.

BELLA POV

"Ow." My head was throbbing and I felt dizzy. "What happened? Jacob? Carlisle?" It was coming back to me in flashes. Edward left. Then I think I saw Carlisle disapparate. My hormones were still raging. I needed a man so I drove here. It seemed so simple. Why does my stomach feel funny?

Jacob was jumping up and down, laughing and crying hysterically. "Bella, you're alive! Now we can be together forever, or at least until I imprint on someone else! Hurray for us!"

"Sorry Jake. You're out of luck. I still love Edward. I just wanted you for your man bits."

"I hate everything again! GRRRR!" With that Jacob took off running toward the woods.

I looked around for Carlisle but didn't see him. I called out, "Carlisle?" No response. Damn, he must have disappeared again. Why does he keep doing that? Oh well. I think I'll head to the Cullen's place to see if I can find my sexy Eddiekins. I didn't notice a pale figure hidden in the shadows watching me as I drove away.

JOE POV

I watched Bella climb into her truck knowing that she would soon be pregnant. I wanted it to be mine. She must be mine. I needed to formulate an exceedingly simple plan to kidnap her, which her future seeing sister totally won't see coming at all. Its foolproof!

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A/N: Next chapter, on to Cullen cliches. It was really fun to write!


	4. Cullens Gone Crazy

**Disclaimer: Ok, fooled you! I really am Stephenie and these are my characters.**

**Stephenie: Nope, they're not.**

**me: -puts on a long brown wig- Ok, now I'm Stephenie.**

**Stephenie: No, still not. -picks up phone to call lawyers-**

**me: Ok, fine. They're yours.**

---At the Cullen mansion---

As I pulled up, I noticed a new addition to the front yard. It was a huge trampoline and jumping on it was Esme. She seemed to be repeating some chant resembling, "vamp on a tramp" over and over again As soon as she saw me she leapt off the trampoline and ran toward me.

"Hi Esme."

"Hi Bella. You'll make a wonderful addition to our family. You make Edward so happy. Don't touch hot things." She was beaming at me, a goofy grin plastered on her face.

Not likely. Edward was hot, and I was going to touch all of him. "Thanks for the advice. Have you seen Edward?"

"Oh, don't you worry about that dear. I think you are perfect. If Edward's happy I'm happy. Look both ways before crossing the street."

I was getting tired of the motherly crap and wanted to find my man. "Great, but that's not what I asked. Where's Edward?"

Still smiling, she said, "You two make a beautiful couple. And remember, stranger danger!"

Enough of this. I walked away from the grinning Esme toward the house. Trudging up the stairs I noticed a gloom begin to settle over me. I looked back toward Esme who was jumping on her trampoline again.

"Don't worry about the gloominess dear," Esme called. "Jasper has not been himself lately."

Ok, this should be interesting. I walked in the front door and was immediately blindsided by Rosalie. She grabbed a chunk of my hair and started braiding it.

"Hi soon to be sister! You look really pretty today. I gave up being mean for Vampire Lent so I hope we can be best friends."

I swatted her hands away. "Sure Rosalie. Is Edward upstairs?"

Rosalie was undeterred by my attempts to get away from her. Hair ribbons seemed to appear from nowhere and were now being tied into bows around my new plaits. She sighed contentedly and mumbled something about best friends.

Our female bonding was interrupted by a loud wail drifting from the living room. "You can't make me! I won't do it!"

I looked at Rosalie questioningly. She sighed. "Its only Jasper."

I used this as my escape plan. "I'm going to check if he's alright." Just as I turned to head into the living room, Emmett came running up to us with something slobbery hanging out of his mouth.

He dropped it at my feet looking at me with big, excited eyes. "Ball?"

I didn't quite catch was he said over Jaspers continued wails. "What did you say?"

"Ball!"

Rosalie just shook her head. "He wants you to throw his ball."

Emmett started jumping up and down. "Ball, ball, ball, ball!"

Rosalie picked it up and tossed it out the front door. Emmett's took off out the door, his booming laugh echoing behind him. Rosalie sighed again. "He's quite obnoxious really. Its like suddenly he's a mix between a golden retriever and a 4 year old."

I couldn't take any more of this. I headed over toward Jasper.

He was sitting in the middle of the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest, slowly rocking back and forth.

Looking closer at him, he looked like a kid that had gotten into his mom's makeup. His eyes were smeared with charcoal eye liner and it looked like someone had tried to dye his hair black. He was muttering "you can't make me" over and over again.

Alice was sitting on the couch surrounded by her purses. "One purse, ah, ah, ah. Two purses, ah, ah, ah." She glanced up at me. "Oh don't worry about him. He thinks some 'unknown force' is trying to make him all emo. He's turned into an emotional sap." She turned back to her counting.

"Why are you counting like that?"

"Its how vampires count."

Rosalie giggled. "She's been watching too much Sesame Street."

I walked over to Jasper and squatted down in front of him. "Are you ok?"

He instantly started to sob. "No! I'm in a glass case of emotion!"

"Are you stealing lines from movies?"

"No!" Suddenly, the tears stopped as he cocked his head. He began to look me over appraisingly. "You know, I think you and I could have something special. Me all emotional like, you all delicious smelling. You and I could rule the South!" He sprang to his feet and started singing,

"Make a little lovin'

A little turtle dovin' on a mason Dixon night

Fits my life, oh, so right, my Dixieland delight"

I cut off his singing. "Jasper, I really don't think that would be a good idea, you being married, and me engaged."

He started sobbing again. "But we're perfect for each other. We could get matching skinny jeans and band t-shirts and everything! Please Bella!"

"Uh, no. Anyway…"

Emmett came bounding back into the room, laughing obnoxiously.

"What's so funny Emmett?"

Still hooting with mirth Emmett shook his head. "I don't know," he gasped between giggles. "I can't seem to stop."

"Well you should try. Its really annoying." Between Jasper's sobbing and Emmett's laughing, I couldn't think anymore.

Despite the din, I finally saw Edward. He was walking down the stairs, his head hanging. I ran to him and flung myself at him.

"No Bella. I refuse to hurt you. That leaves only one obvious option." He reached into his pocket, pulled out his cell phone, and dialed. "Hello, Italy? I need a one way flight."

"Um, Eddie. Don't you think that's a bit of an overkill?"

"Nope. I'm too full of self loathing to consider anything else."

Maybe Jasper's offer wasn't sounding too bad anymore.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Alice leapt off the couch, purses scattering, screeching, "I'll get it!" She flung the door open.

Looking at the new arrival, she appeared confused. "Hey aren't you supposed to…oooh! stilettos!" With that, she took off running out the door, following what appeared to be a trail of shoes leading toward the woods.

I walked over to the door to see who was there.

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song is by Alabama called Dixieland Delight. And FYI, I do listen to stuff other than country. You'll see in an upcoming chapter! Next chapter, sexy vamps reborn, irrational Bella kindapping scheme.

-kc


	5. Trampy Vamp

**Me: -hiding behind bushes with my friend- You know I wrote Twilight, right?**

**Friend: Really? Wow!**

**Me: Yeah, when inspiration stri...**

**Stephenie's lawyer: -bludgeons me over the head with a copyright law book-**

**Me: Ok fine. For the last time. I didn't write it!**

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"Victoria?! You're dead!"

"Nope, not anymore. Even though I did get torn to shreds and burned to ashes I somehow was put back together by a boy with a wand muttering something about 'I'll show Harry.' But never mind that. I'm here to kidnap you, or seduce Edward. Whichever. Or maybe both."

At the sound of Victoria's voice, Edward snapped his phone shut and walked to the door. "Wow, Victoria. You look really hot. Even though you tried to kill Bella and brought 20 baby vampires to Forks, I really want you right now."

I couldn't believe it. They were making out! I had been trying to get Edward to do that for days now! The sound of Rosalie's laughter behind me forced me to turn around and look at her. "What's so funny?"

"Just your pathetic attempt to get with my brother."

"Wait, I thought you were being nice to me now. And what are you wearing?" It seemed that while I was distracted by Victoria, Rosalie had changed into thigh high leather boots, a black leather mini-skirt, and a red sequined midriff baring tube top.

"Hey, Easter is over. No more nice girl. I can be me again." She tuned away from me and proceeded to stare at herself in a mirror she seemed to be carrying around with her.

I turned my attention back to Edward and Victoria, who were now inappropriately groping each other in the entry way. Esme's voice floated in from outside. "Whatever makes Edward happy makes me happy."

Suddenly, another figure appeared behind the writhing form of Edward mashed to Victoria.

"I'm Joe. Bella's baby will be mine!"

I was getting more confused by the minute. "Baby? What?"

Carlisle, once again appearing from nowhere, cleared his throat. "It seems that Bella will be impregnated by the next person who tackles her."

Edward detangled himself from Victoria. Jacob suddenly was at the door. Jasper had stopped his wailing long enough to get up and stand next to Edward. Alice appeared next to Jacob, holding an armful of shoes. Joe had sunk into a crouch. It took a split second before they all launched themselves at me. I was shoved into the coat stand next to the door and fell to the ground.

Carlisle was yelling for everyone to get off me. "Everyone up! Who hit her first?"

With the ruckus, nobody was sure who got to me first. With my luck, it would be the coat stand.

Victoria, pointing to the back of the room, abruptly yelled, "Hey look over there!"

Simultaneously, every head turned to the back windows. With everyone momentarily distracted, Victoria plucked me up off the ground and set off running toward the woods.

EDWARD POV

Looking out the back windows, I couldn't see what my new vampire love had seen. Hmm. Oh well. I turned back around to make out with Victoria some more. "Hey! What happened to Bella and Victoria?"

Everybody looked confused.

Great. Now I lost two girls at once. Could my life get any worse? Since I don't remember that I have a sister who can see the future and who could tell me where they went, I figured there was nothing I could do about it, so I left to hunt. Nothing like a tasty lion to get my mind off of things. Yum. They probably just went out for lunch anyway. But wait. Now that Victoria was gone, the crazy spell she had over me which made me grope her was suddenly lifted. Now I was only upset about Bella being gone. That should make my lion even more enjoyable...despair over only one person, rather than two.

As I was out hunting my phone started vibrating in my pocket. After taking a brief moment to enjoy the vibrating, I flipped open my phone to read the text.

ALICE  
OMG! WRUD? BLLA KDNPPD!

EDWARD  
NIFOC (_A/N: if you don't know what this means look it up. I can't imagine anyone actually using this! Maybe I just like my computer chair too much.)_

ALICE  
WHT?

EDWARD  
OOPS MENT OMFG

ALICE  
OMG! COM HOM ASAP! BLLA KDNPPD!

EDWARD  
OMG!

ALICE  
OMG!

EDWARD  
SPAM!

ALICE  
WHT?

EDWARD  
ON MY WA. C U L8R. LYLAS

ALICE  
TTYL

I closed my phone and slid it into my pocket. I guess the scrumptious lion would have to wait.

--Meanwhile in La Push--

BILLY POV

Its too bad Jake doesn't think he got Bella pregnant. Oh well. I wonder if there's anything good on Lifetime.

--Back at the Cullen's--

EDWARD POV

I walked into the living room to find everyone sitting on the couch staring at the TV, except Alice. She was by the computers with her credit cards spread around her. I couldn't believe that nobody was doing anything about Bella.

"Why aren't you working on saving Bella?"

Jasper glanced up from Iron Chef. "Well we were, but Alice got distracted by online shopping so we had no idea where to look."

Emmett was laughing obnoxiously yet again. "Besides, hasn't Bella been kidnapped 13 times before by some crazed vampire or another anyway?"

Jasper clapped Emmett on the back of the head. "No, it just seems that way."

I walked over to Alice and plucked her away from the computer.

"Hey! I was shopping. They are having a fabulous sale on shorts!"

"Alice, focus! Where did Victoria take Bella?"

Alice got all dreamy and trancy. "She's in an abandoned warehouse!"

"Ok, can you be a little more specific?"

"Dude, I'm not a GPS."

"Fine, but can't you see anything more."

Alice scrunched her face in concentration. "There's a sign above the door that says Bob's Warehouse. Does that help? Oh, wait! Its right next to some shoe stores. When we go can we stop there first?"

"No, go back to your web shopping. You can wait here. Guys, let's go. Just let me grab my cape."

Noticing my newest wardrobe addition, Emmett was dissolving into a fit of giggles. "Who do you think you are, Superman?"

"No. But since I am always saving Bella like a superhero I figure I should dress like one too."

Rosalie started laughing too. "How about some yellow spandex to go with it?"

Hoping they didn't notice, I slipped my yellow Lycra gloves back into my pocket.

"Enough making fun of me. Let's go."

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Next chapter, impossible pregnant Bella rescue**

**-kc**


	6. HumVampStand Baby

**OMG!!1!! So like thi s is a storey about a gurl and a hot guy! I suk at summerys. Just read! First fic!! lol! P.S. in case u didn' tknow these peeps are totally Stephenies!**

* * *

EPOV

We made our way to the warehouse, my cape flapping in the breeze, drawing unnecessary attention to us. But it looked cool.

The warehouse was abandoned, but for some unknown reason there were dozens of yummy smelling humans standing around. As we got closer to the people Jasper started sobbing again, tears that he wasn't supposed to be able to cry streaming down his cheeks, while he hastily tried to rearrange his new black fringe bangs.

I sighed, tired of Jasper's continuous emo crying. "Now what?"

"I can totally feel they don't like my new angsty hair. I did it for them! For the fans…but they sure do smell delicious. Maybe just a quick taste."

"No! I won't let you. Besides, I've decided to temporarily revert to my old ways now. I must eat a human!"

Emmett, standing a few paces behind us started laughing yet again.

I shot Emmett my best angry vampire scowl. "Emmett, this is hardly the time for laughter."

Laughing even more obnoxiously he said, "Its always time for laughter. And eating humans is hilarious!"

I hung my head in a dejected, sad sort of way. "No. Killing people is wrong. I am a bad vampire with no soul." I sighed disparagingly. I knew there was only one thing to do. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and pressed the speed dial for Aro Air.

Emmett knocked the phone out of my hands. "Like, dude! Suck. It. Up. Enough of this 'woe is me crap.' Don't we have to go save your preggers woman now?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry." Giving my cape one last overly dramatic swish, we swept grandly into the warehouse, ready to fight the hoards of menacing vampires.

Instead of hundreds of guards, all we saw was Bella, sitting in a corner, holding what appeared to be a bundle of rags. Upon seeing us she leapt up, flung herself and the rag ball at me, screeching, "Eeeeeddddiiiieeeee!"

"Bella? Are you ok? What happened to Victoria? Why are you hugging fabric?"

"I'm fine. Victoria left. She was grossed out by the whole birth thing."

What was that infernal woman talking about? "Birth thing?"

"Um, surprise! It's a boy…I think."

That's when I noticed that bunch of rags was actually a baby wrapped in a supremely tattered coat. I shook my head in an attempt to clear the confusion. "Wait, you had the baby already?! It's only been two days!"

Bella smiled slyly at me. "I guess vampires just do things faster."

"Vampires? That baby is a vampire?!" I bent over to get a better look. Upon closer inspection, the baby looked more human to me. He had brown hair, rosy cheeks, and smelled delicious. And then he smiled.

"Bella, he has fangs! Vampires don't actually have fangs!"

"Well my baby vamp does."

"Then that means he can't be mine. Nooooooooo!" I ran out of the building and away from Bella, forever. No more flowery smelling girl for me. Maybe I can find that Tripod Tara girl that Carlisle was telling me about…

BPOV

As Edward ran away, Emmett dissolved into gales of laughter. "Running…away is…hysterical!"

Jasper smacked Emmett on the back of the head, tears cascading down his cheeks again. "No, leaving is miserable!"

Emmett started jumping up and down. "Hysterical, hysterical, hysterical!"

God, has he always been this annoying? "Guys, stop it! Where did Edward go?"

With a few last sniffles, Jasper wiped his eyes, smearing eyeliner all over in the process. "You didn't hear him as he ran away? He was muttering something about tripods."

"I just had a baby and he's off to take pictures?" Stupid, inconsiderate, sparkly, awesome smelling vampire.

"No Bella, I think he is more gone for good this time than the last time he ran away."

"Wait. Gone as in never coming back, at least for a while until I'm changed?"

"Yup, seems like."

I started yelling crazily, "Must become vampire now, to make Edward come back!"

Jasper leaned down, trying to console me. "Really, don't you think that's overreacting."

"NO! Vampire me! Now!"

Over the din, Emmett was continuing to laugh uproariously behind us, now pointing at Jasper's face. Jasper turned to confront his obnoxious brother.

"What is so funny Emmett?!"

"It's you, with that makeup smeared all over. You look like an emo clown! Sad, sad emo clown." Whistling circus music he proceeded to dance in a little circle.

With this commotion nobody would notice if I happened to sink my baby's fangs into my neck would they? Just as I began to try, Jasper yanked me away from my kid's teeth. "You need therapy. That's the ticket. Back to Carlisle we go."

"But I thought he was a surgeon."

"He's a doctor, he knows things. Good enough."

--At the mansion again--

Alice had whisked my baby off to do some serious spending at Baby Brooks Brothers or some other ridiculous place so all I had to concentrate on was my therapy with Carlisle.

"Ok Bella, lay down on the couch for me."

"Uh Carlisle, are you sure that's appropriate? I mean you're hot and all but you're really more like my dad."

Carlisle sighed. "This is going to be more work than I thought. If it would make you feel better, you can sit."

"Fine. I'll lie down. It's your fault though if this whole laying down around sexy vampires doesn't work out so well for the therapy."

With another deep breath Carlisle sat down in the chair across from the couch were I was lying. "I'm going to ask you a few questions. Please just answer with the first thing that pops into your head, ok?"

"Sure, fire away."

"What's your favorite candy?"

"Lemonheads."

"Who's your favorite actor?

"Jack Lemmon."

"Favorite dessert?"

"Lemon meringue pie."

"Favorite movie?"

"Lemony Snickett."

"Favorite dish soap?"

"Lemon Joy."

Stopping the rapid fire questions, Carlisle began rubbing his temples. "Bella, you seem to have an unusual obsession with lemons. Can you think why that may be?"

"Because lately there's nothing I like more than a nice, juicy lemony scene."

Carlisle looked confused. "What's a lemon scene?"

"Oh never mind. I can see this isn't going to work out." I started to get up from the couch, but tripped on the corner of the rug. Carlisle lunged to catch me at the same time I made a grab for the chair he was sitting in. My neck landed right on the lower ridge of his teeth which promptly sliced through my soft skin.

Looking up into Carlisle's face he appeared chagrined. "Oops. My bad. I guess now we wait."

* * *

**Lemony Bella is becoming a vampire…Oooooh. Thanks to my loyal readers and to all the reviewers!**

**-kc**


	7. Baby is an Omnivore

**So u guys totally rok!!1!!1 tks for all ur reviews! OMg u are liket he best! All the ppl r still stephanies!1!!**

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BPOV

--Still at the Cullen's--

"Well, I guess since my Eddikins has left and I'm now becoming a vampire, I have some time to play with my baby. Where is he anyway?"

Suddenly Alice came flying into my room, some sort of tattered rag flapping from her body. She shrieked, "Your stupid baby destroyed my coat, my brand new Dior coat!!"

"Alice, don't you have about 7 brand new coats?"

This seemed to infuriate her. "That's beside the point! Your baby is eating outerwear!"

"Better than underwear," I mumbled under my breath. I sighed. I guess the baby has some coat stand in him after all. No wonder he always had such nice straight posture. I glanced over at my baby, which Alice had deposited on my bed. Maybe its time to name him. Hmm…I guess I'll have to come up with something. But what was that in his hand?

"What is my baby holding? It looks like a… fuzzy slipper."

Alice tore her morose gaze away from her coat to glance at the baby. "Oh, that's just a squirrel."

"A squirrel?!"

"Yes, it seems that he not only has a taste for couture cotton, but fur as well."

"You are letting my baby hunt?!"

"Sure, he's quite good too. You should see him crawling 30 miles an hour toward a bunny. It's cute. But I'm heading out now. I simply must buy a new coat."

Alice skipped out the door leaving me with a baby and a dead rodent.

Just after Alice left Jasper came slinking into the room, looking more cheerful than he had in quite awhile. He looked shiftily around the room. "Is she gone?"

"You'll have to be more specific than that Jasper."

"Alice! Did she leave?"

"Yes, you just missed her. I'm sure if you call loud enough she'll hear you."

He suddenly looked panicked. "No, no. Be quiet! I'm here for you! Now that Edward is gone we can explore the deep and profound relationship that we have even though we only speak on rare occasions in large groups since I'm still slightly afraid that I'll kill you."

This was the best news that I've heard all day. "That sounds perfect!" I took a moment to put the baby on the floor so he wouldn't get in the way and slithered sexily toward my new lover.

--30 lemons later--

"Whew, Jasper! That was the best vamp love I've had in a long time! But are you sure that Alice won't try to maim me once she finds out?"

"Oh no, I wouldn't worry about that. Even though we were soul mates in every sense of the word, deep down she is actually in love with someone else."

"Well, alright if you say so. Now lets try that again, but this time let's listen to some super angsty music to get us in the mood."

--25 more angsty but explicit lemons--

Despite being totally engrossed with rolling around with Jasper I started to feel funny. "Honeybunch?"

He gazed down at me with his glittering red eyes (They were red now because I let him take a little taste from me since I knew that he loved me so much he could never hurt me.) "Yes Bella Boo?"

"I don't feel quite right."

"No worries darling. You're just becoming a vampire now. It should only take a few minutes."

I was confused. "I thought that the transformation takes days."

"But since you are so special, it will happen almost instantly once it starts."

"Oh, ok. Sweet."

Jasper glanced at his watch. "I'm going to hunt quick, and then explain to Alice that I'm not her husband anymore, and then I'll be right back, ok?"

"Sounds good babycakes. I'll wait here." Jasper leaped off the bed and ran off, leaving me with my thoughts. Unfortunately, there was no more time to think since I started to be consumed with burning. Oh, crap. Here we go.

I screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and writhed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and writhed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and writhed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and writhed and screamed for what I found out after my transformation was complete was for five weeks straight.

Jasper was at my side when I stopped yelling. I looked at him accusatorily. "I thought you said that my change would happen instantaneously."

"Well, I thought it would but Carlisle explained that since you were developing so many super powers it took longer than we thought."

"Super powers? Like the X-men?"

He just shrugged. "We're not sure yet. We'll have to test them out. That's why we're taking you to superhero boot camp."

"That should be fun. When do we leave?"

"Pretty soon. But first you really need to look at yourself in the mirror. You are now totally hot!!"

I jumped off the bed and did quick improvisation of Swan Lake on my way to the mirror, because I wasn't clumsy anymore and could now do ballet flawlessly.

I waltzed the rest of the way to the mirror and pirouetted to a stop in front of it. My jaw dropped at the reflection. "O….M….G…. Who is that?!"

The person staring back at me was now closer to 5'10" with legs for days. Her hair was a beautiful reddish-brown and gently waved down to her waist. Her boobs seemed to be significantly larger than my own and much more perky. Her facial features were perfect, right down to the pouty plush lips. But most shocking were the gleaming topaz eyes.

This couldn't be me! But what about those eyes! "Hey! I thought I was supposed to be all human crazed or something. Why aren't my eyes red?"

Carlisle stood up from the couch he wasn't just occupying. "Oooh, super power number one! No blood lust."

"Well that's lame. I was hoping for something a little more original like x-ray vision."

"Just be patient Bella. We'll figure out your powers in no time."

Looking around the room at Jasper and Carlisle I realized that I would rather just figure out my powers here rather than be shipped off to camp. "You know guys, I would rather just figure out my powers here rather than be shipped off to camp. Besides, Jasper is here and that is where I want to be."

Jasper was standing next to me beaming. "That sounds perfect sexy momma! Let's get started!"

--Out in the yard--

Rosalie walked over to me and draped her arm around my shoulder. "Just concentrate."

"Wait, you're nice again?"

"Sure, you're a vampire now so it doesn't matter. And besides, I'm still prettier than you."

"Um, thanks." Jasper brushed Rosalie out of the way. "Focus Bella Baby. Just think of something that makes you want to use super powers and yell it out."

I stepped back a few paces, took a deep breath, and yelled the first thing that came to mind. "Care Bare stare!" Nothing happened.

Jasper was trying to hide his smirk. "Ok, that was an interesting choice. Try again."

"It's clobberin' time!" Still nothing.

"Not quite darling. Try something more unique."

"UP, UP AND AWAY!"

"TURTLE POWER!"

"AUTOBOTS ASSEMBLE!"

Jasper was trying to interrupt my shrieking. "No schnookums, you're not getting it."

I took one more deep breath and yelled at the top of my lungs, ""LEEROY JENKINS!"

This seemed to confuse most everybody even more. Jasper looked at me with a perplexed expression. "What is Leeroy Jenkins?

Carlisle answered before I had the chance. "You see, Leeroy Jenkins is an internet phenomenon named for a character created by player Ben Schultz in the popular game World of Warcraft. This character has become popular thanks to…"

"Shut up Carlisle! The real question is why don't I have any powers?!"

Jasper shrugged. "I don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait and see."

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**Ok, I have to explain the WoW reference. I have a friend who played that game continuously. There was some you tube spoof that came out a few years ago featuring Leeroy, and he told me that it was the single most profound, soon to be widespread battle cry known to man. It showed up as a Jeopardy question and then later as a Toyota truck commercial, both of which made my friend feel vindicated in his claim. Needless to say, I called him a huge nerd, but I put it in here for him. **

**Also I need recommendations for Bella's baby's name. I was going to create a poll, but I couldn't think of enough funny names to make a list. Let me know what you think either by review or PM.**

**Thanks!  
****-kc**


	8. Crying is a Power, right?

**reviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreview, oh, and like totally, review! and while you're reviewing you should know these characters are like totally not mine.  
**

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It had been two months since I was changed and two months since I discovered that I wasn't really in love with Edward, but rather his brother. None other than Mr. Badass Confederate Empath Jasper Whitlock "Hale." I never knew the Civil War could be so sexy. Telling Alice that she no longer had a husband was a bit hairy, but after distracting her with the newest Manolos and tickets to the He's Just Not That In To You premiere, she forgot all about it. It's nice to know that a shallow shopping addiction could also translate into inappropriate distractibility. I couldn't be happier. Except for the whole lack of power thing.

While I was elated that I didn't feel the need to nom on every human that passed, I felt woefully inadequate next to my shiny empath boyfriend. I at least wanted the ability to eat a variety of foods like my baby, who I decided to name Waldorf Anthony Dracula Swan, Wads for short. Jasper wasn't so happy about the Anthony part, but I figured I should do it for Eddikins, since he was the father (most likely anyway).

I was out in the yard daydreaming about Lolcats and their partially delicious flavor and hilarious captions when I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Boo Boo Buns?" I could feel the anxiety rolling off my man. It was making me jittery.

"Yes, Buttercup?"

Jasper looked around nervously. "Umm...Well..."

"Oh for Heaven's sake, spit it out!"

Jasper paled even further, even thought that was impossible being that he had no blood to drain from his face. "Um...Your ex boyfriend is coming back and bringing a vampire army with him. It seems that he heard about our boundless love."

"Wha...???" I felt myself shaking uncontrollably. How could this be? He said that he was never coming back. But nearly as soon as it started my vibrating stopped. A wave of serenity washed over me. "Jasper, knock it off!"

Jasper yelled with indignation, "Hey! I'm not doing anything!" His voice abruptly changed, laced with apprehension. "Bella, sweetcheeks...Where exactly are you?"

"Stop being stupid. I'm right here." I waved my hand in front of his face.

"I think we have found another power love muffin. You're invisible!"

Invisible? But that was only for certain Marvel super heroes, wasn't it? Invisible?! How super awesome was that? I started a celebratory jig, A super power! Finally!

Jasper cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Um, it's exciting and all but could you come back now? I want to see that adorable little rear you're sportin;"

I sighed. He is such a buzzkill. "Ok, yeah, sure." As soon as the words were out of my mouth I realized that I had no idea what I had done or how to fix it. Jasper was waiting patiently, staring lazily at the clouds. I could feel my panic begin to escalate. "Jasper! I need your help! Why aren't you making me calm?"

He glanced three feet to the left of where I was standing. "Because I can't feel you in your little protective invisibility bubble. It's some sort of shield."

A shield? Invisibility? Oh, well aren't I just original. I began to sob hysterically. No matter what I tried I couldn't make myself uninvisible. Bawling, I ran straight to Carlisle.

Naturally, he heard our whole exchange outside. As I plowed unceremoniously into his room, he smugly stared in my general direction.

"Bella," he said, while sipping a snifter of brandy. "Didn't I tell you to be careful trying out powers? I wonder why no one ever listens to me. I know so much and freely offer advice, but no one takes it."

All I could think was that he needs to keep his advice to himself more often. But that wasn't my problem. "Carlisle!" I couldn't help but whine. "I"m stuck being invisible. I need help! I can't stay like this!"

"Oh fine." Carlisle huffed a bit but got up and went to his bookcase. He touched a button and the shelves slid seamlessly into a hidden path. "Follow this tunnel. The person at the end can help you. Just don't ask any questions."

"But…"

"But nothing. Go." He shoved me past the bookcase into the long hallway lit with torches. I walked for what seemed like days. At the end of the tunnel was a small room occupied by one girl perched on a stool.

She brushed her bushy hair away from her face. "Ugh. I thought you would never get here," she said, quite snobbishly.

I looked over my shoulder looking for someone else and found no one. "But I thought no one could see me."

She merely pointed behind me. "Footprints. And the deafening weeping might have been a clue too."

Weeping? I touched my cheeks, which were indeed wet. Damn. I thought that was impossible. Hmm. Chalk it up to another stupid power. I looked at the haughty girl who was busily cleaning out her buckteeth with a stick of some sort. "So, you're supposed to help me become visible again, or something?"

"Yup, that's what he told me." She hopped off the stool and pointed the stick thing in my direction.

"Hey! What are you doing?! Who told you?! Who's 'he'?!"

The arrogant little girl merely shook her head. "I thought you were told not to ask questions. Now stand still." She muttered some short little incoherent sentence waved her stick at me and stepped back.

"There, now doesn't that feel better?" She pointed to a mirror behind me.

I glanced in the mirror, happy to see that I was once again visible. "Awesome. Now how do I do that on my own?"

"Not for me to figure out. I have to get back to class. We're doing test preps…." She walked out of the room muttering about somebody named Ron being blind. Strange girl. Oh well.

I turned around and ran back down the tunnel, excited to see my honeybear Jasper and even more excited to have a face off with my new nemesis, my ex love of my life.

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**Ok, guys. This has been a long, long hiatus. But things have been going on that needed a lot of attention. And truth to be told I just needed a break. So here's another chapter for you, not as outwardly silly as some of the others, but full of overused, impossible clichés never the less. Don't worry, the next chapter has plenty of ridiculousness to make up for it. I hope you like it.  
**

**As always, thanks for reading and please review if you have a moment!**

**-kc**

**p.s. in case you didn't get it, the whole last part with the girl and her stick is a lame crossover reference.  
**


	9. Make up your mind already! Both of you!

**Is Bella in love with Jasper or Edward? Or is it all just about sex? Will Edward take her back? Will Jasper break knives trying to cut himself? Will someone finally listen to Carlisle? Does Esme finally get over saying generic motherly statements? Ooooh, suspense! Read on.**

**Also, I do not own Twilight. I know it is hard to believe, but I am not actually Stephenie Meyer, making fun of fan fiction written about my work. Shocking. I will continue to repeat this until you stop thinking that I am trying to make a profit off of someone else's work. Now get off my back already.**

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After completing my sprint down the tunnel I dashed outside looking for Jasper. I found him on the corner of the porch, quietly sobbing, his eyes freshly lined with charcoal pencil.

"Sugar Baby, what's wrong?"

He glanced over my shoulder, crying harder at whatever it was he saw. I followed his gaze to the blond clueless boy standing on the porch.

"Mike! What are you doing here?"

He sighed in relief, completely oblivious the obvious changes in my appearance. "Bella! I thought you'd never get home. I'm here to pick you up."

I blinked in confusion. "Pick me up for what?"

"Our engagement dinner of course!" he exclaimed brightly.

Foolish boy. I shook my head in exasperation. "I may want to get it on with every vampire I see, but Mike, you just don't do it for me."

"But we're soul mates! I've always known deep down that your love for Edward was just a cover up for your intense feelings toward me." He dropped down to one knee. "Marry me my beautiful Bella!"

Ugh. Was he really serious? I had to get rid of him. Faster than Mike could see I ran in the house, plucked Alice's credit cards off of the desk, dashed back outside, and dropped them in Mike's pocket. I shot a smug smile at him before I yelled, "Alice! Mike is trying to steal your credit cards!"

Like a blur Alice came tearing out of the woods, screeching. "Whaaat?! Getoffourpropertyyoustealinglyingbastard.I'mgoingtokillyouforeventhinkingoftakingmymoney!Howdoyouexpectmetogoshoppingwithoutmymoney,youfreak!!" She plucked him off the porch and carried him back towards the woods. Mike was never heard from again.

I looked back toward Jasper, who was now hugging himself and rocking back and forth, muttering something about not being good enough for me. "Jasper, now what's wrong?"

"I know that you still love Edward more than me," he wailed.

I blushed, though I had no blood left to blush with. "But Jazz baby, you are my one and only true love."

He blinked away his venom tears. "Oh, ok. Let's do it."

"I thought you'd never ask!"

We ran up to his room, tearing clothes off as we went.

---Exlicit lemon scene, which has no bearing on the plot other than for the sake of lemons---

We came up for air about 15 days later. It was good to be a vampire that doesn't get tired. With Jasper now cheered up from his latest overemotional breakdown, we walked downstairs.

Esme was flying around the living room with a rag and a bottle of Lysol in her hands spraying down everything. "Eeek!" she screeched as we walked into the sparkling room. "Germs!"

She ran over, sprayed Jasper from head to toe, and proceeded to dust him. "There, that's better." She glanced to me next. No way was she going to spray me so trying to be quick, I attempted to dash behind the coffee table, but caught my foot on the leg of the chair and fell.

Emmett, appearing from nowhere, proceeded to point and laugh hysterically. "Funny!"

"Hey! I thought I was graceful now!"

Shrieking with glee Emmett began a childish chant. "Bellsy is clumsy, Bellsy is clumsy."

"Knock it off Emmett. That doesn't even rhyme." Trying to push myself up from the ground, I caught my arm on the side of the couch, fell forward, hit my head on the end table, bounced back, smacked my elbow on the floor, and scraped my knee on the rug. "What is going on?"

Carlisle shook his head patronizingly. "Bella, you know you are the most clumsy person on the planet. Did you really think that was going to change?"

I blushed. "I was less awkward when I was changed."

Carlisle arrogantly sniffed. "As I explained before, if anyone would have listened to me, that was just your super newborn awesomeness. Now you're just you again…But undeniably more pretty."

"Umm, thanks, I think," I mumbled, blushing again.

"Bella?" Esme asked, absently picking lint off my shirt. "Did you eat your animal today? You simply must keep up with your nutrition."

I swatted her hands away, knocking the Lysol bottle out of her grasp. Esme simply smiled blankly. "Whatever makes you happy dear. When you're happy I'm happy."

Suddenly, there was a loud crash outside. Jasper's head whipped around towards the sound. "Oooooohhhhhh nooooooo," he practically howled.

I ran to the window and saw Edward in some kind of cape, leading a motley assortment of vampires and werewolves out of the woods.

Streaking outside, I tripped down the front stairs and landed on my face. This whole clumsy thing is getting old. Picking myself off the ground and trying to regain my dignity I yelled at my stupid ex. "What are you doing you fool?"

"I have come to kill Jasper for stealing my one true love."

I shook my head. "Uh, you left me, remember?"

Edward scowled. "That is beside the point. I will always protect you, from everything and everyone." He glanced behind him at his posse. "You all ready?"

Leah crossed her arms, looking bored. "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Seth was bouncing like a kangaroo on speed. "Yes sir, let's do this now. I'm so ready. I can't wait. Oooh this is going to be fun. Edward you're my hero." He stared at Edward sycophantically. Jacob was there too, looking very angry.

Emily stepped around from behind Edward holding a basket of something. "I baked muffins! Does anybody want muffins? I have blueberry, cinnamon, chocolate chip, apple, and cheesecake. Yum!"

Jasper, Carlisle and I looked at each other in confusion. Muffins? She knew we didn't eat food.

Oblivious, she walked around the group trying to distribute her goods. "Jacob, want any muffins?"

He scowled at the basket. "I hate muffins. I hate everything."

Emily was getting obviously jittery. "Must feed people, need to give them muffins..." She walked off muttering to herself about baking cookies.

Jasper put himself between Edward and me, bawling again. "You can't take her from me! She's my entire world. We listen to Evanescence together and she bought me this awesome black hoodie and these Chuck Taylors."

Edward merely rolled his eyes. "Doesn't matter. It's my duty to protect her from all dangers, including the studs on your belt."

Emmett snorted with barely contained laughter behind me. "He said duty. HA! Duty, duty, duty!"

Rosalie slapped him on the back of the head. "Dude, grow up." She proceeded to pull a compact from her pocket and powder her face.

A shriek came from inside the house and a blur came streaking up next to Rosalie. "Dust! No more dust!" Esme shrieked. She frantically wiped all the powder off Rosalie.

"Enough!" bellowed Edward.

Every pair of eyes snapped to Edward. "I am here to safeguard Bella. You will let me! I love her!"

I shrugged. That sounded good to me. "Ok. I love you too Edward." I tossed a careless glance over my shoulder at the dejected Jasper. "Sorry man. It was good while it lasted."

"But Bella Boo…"

I ignored Jasper's outstretched hand and rand toward Edward. Halfway to my love, I tripped on a twig and tumbled to the ground. Blushing, I stood up, brushing dirt off of me.

Edward rushed over, now mounted on a white steed. "I'll protect you love!" He vaulted off his horse, and proceeded to smash the twig to bits. "This twig will never hurt you again! Ever!" I blushed at his chivalry.

I reached over and ran my hands up his body. "What's next stud muffin?"

"Well, since you already hopped into bed with Jasper I guess it's ok that we do it too."

"Sweet."

---More inappropriate lemons, waaay more explicit than the previous ones and that last for a about a chapter---

After our hot session in bed, Edward lazily toyed with my hair. "I think we should get married now."

I shrugged. "Great. I no longer have any reservations what so every about marrying you. The sooner the better!"

Somewhere from outside the house I heard a yelled, "I hate weddings!"

Alice burst into our room, oblivious to our obvious nakedness. "Oooooh, a wedding! Bella can I be your maid of honor? I can't wait to go shopping for your dress, and mine! And then we can do your hair, and make up too! And all the shoes we'll get you…"

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**Wedding up next! Mucho thanks to the readers who have stuck with this story during its long hiatus and special thanks to those awesome few who took the time to review!**

**-kc**


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